Just me

I have been going through so much with spiritual growth lately, and my hearing, and making some final decisions on how to handle some things, and I wanted to post this simply for journaling purposes.

I feel like there is so much to say about the last 3-4 months. Many of my close friends have asked, soooo how is your hearing doing lately? well.... I would rather not talk about it, but it is something i need to face, and often neglect. I used to be so open about it, and I just don't like to open that can of worms with people anymore. I think sometimes that people will judge me or think i might not be as good of a mom because of it sometimes, and being a mom is something that I really want to be the best at, and I don't want any extra scrutiny from people thinking that my hearing affects my ability to be a good mom. goodness, parenting is difficult enough as it is!!!! Dealing with my hearing loss is hard, and I struggle with it often. Even Travis doesn't always know what is going on in my head about it, and he often wants to know. On a much more positive note, I have had the glorious privaledge of hearing Julie and Logan's voices, and they are firmly imprinted in my brain. I am anxiously waiting to hear my sweet Isabel's voice the first time she says "I love you." When she babbles and coos, I think it is the most sweet, angelic sound I have ever heard. I am doing okay with my hearing loss, and though i do not feel like I have lost more, I feel like the ringing in my ears is louder, making the clarity of words sort of an issue. I can "hear" what people are saying, but occasionally I can't understand what word/words they may have said. It is complicated, and well, that is probably the best way to explain it.

Spiritually, i am learning, A LOT. God has been so patient with me and I am so grateful for this. I am learning that I need to listen and read and just be still right now in this phase of my spiritual journey. I used to have such a selfish form of spirituality. Let me explain. I would always think, what is God's purpose for MY life? What does MY future hold? What will God bless ME with? What are MY talents and gifts that I should be using. I used to love things that helped ME feel better about myself. I am learning that yes, God gave me talents and gifts, but they are for HIS glory. Really isn't my purpose as a Christian to live as Christ? for people to see Jesus in me, and to really not see "me" at all? My purpose is try to get as many people to heaven as I can, and to live that out not only by reaching out to people, but by living by example. So really.... it is about Jesus, and others, myself being last. That is hard in our society that says, put yourself first!!!
I credit having kids to realize this in a slow and difficult manner. having kids has been such a wonderul amazing sacrifice of myself. As a mom, I often put myself last- and gladly do so. But I do it out of love. They are so needy and I never get to really "choose" when my services are demanded. God reserves the right to expect the same thing of me. I shouldn't choose and pick when and if I will say yes to what God is calling me to do. I should just say yes and take every opportunity to serve.

I have been struggling with a situation in the last 6 months that has greatly impacted my faith. Some loved ones are hurting some members of my immediate family unintentionally, and it is heartbreaking to watch. It has been brought out in the open, and discussed, but not much has changed. It has been repetitious and exhausting emotionally and mentally. Sometimes I regret being such a passionate person with a temper. I have prayed and prayed about this and God has called me to forgive them. Forgiveness is something I have known about, and heard many sermmons on, but have never fully had to comprehend it or apply it to a situation in my own personal life. It was so humbling when God said to me, "You have no right to keep anger, rage, and biterness in your heart, your heart belongs to me and I am not those things. you are to forgive, and forget. How many times have I forgiven you?" The bible clearly states, we must forgive others as God forgives us. Even if that means having to forgive over and over and over. but forgetting? really? that is the hardest part for me. I have a great memory, and it is sometimes my worst characteristic... keeping a record of wrongs. Grrrr....
The situation still did not improve and after more prayer and reflection and reading, God said to me, "You think forgiveness is difficult, but now I am calling you to have mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgement."
So... together with forgiveness and mercy, I will let God's love prevail and not let Satan win with anger, rage, hurt and bitterness. As tempting as it may be to throw in the towel....I am working day by day to get better, and again, am thankful for HIS patience in this.
I also want to say how much I love that Paul compares his spiritual journey to a race at the end of 2 Timothy. Life is truly a marathon, isn't it?! How awesome! The runner in me loves the parallel that it presents.
I know this was a boring post, but I felt I needed to chronicle what has been going on with me spiritually, so tune in for more pictures of who you really want to see in the post below ;)