Me at about 14 weeks
So I decided to write some about my precious third baby. I had such terrible mixed emotions when I found out I was pregnant. Honestly most of them weren't good feelings. I felt scared, stressed, anxious and dreaded the whole thing. Travis and I had decided just this past Christmas that we were definitely done in the "having kids" realm. We loved being a little family of four. We had a little girl, and little boy, and a cute little 3 bedroom house. Just enough space for us :0) We were transitioning to an easier stage in life, Logan was older, sleeping through the night a lot more, and Julie is pretty much independent with playing for the most part.
AND BOOM, I ended up pregnant again. I was so hysterical when the test was positive that I cried for 2 hours and threw up. Travis and I walked around in shock for a week before telling anyone. Thinking about all the hard stuff that goes along with having a baby made me nauseated- or it could have been the hormones... :0)
Through the next few weeks I hit my bible pretty hard in search for encouragement, and hit my knees to pray often. I prayed mostly things like, "Why?!" I told God I was angry about this and that I didn't know how I could possibly divide my attention between my husband, my 2 kids, and my house! I feel like I am in survival mode some days as it is!
God used these few weeks to assure me. He gently told me to give it all over to Him and that He had more faith in me that I had in myself. I CAN and WILL succeed at this and I won't go crazy doing it!!! He told me to be thankful and verses about how children are blessings from the Lord, kept sort of popping up around me. He assured me He would provide everything I needed.
Then in my ninth week, I woke up one morning to a ton of bleeding. I thought, oh no, I am having a miscarraige. I was again hysterical, anxious and scared. My mom rushed over to get Julie ready for school and to watch Logan for me so I could get to the doc's office. Travis left work to meet me there. He talked to me on the phone for most of the way there. I thought the whole drive to the doctor's office, I don't want to lose this baby! It must have known I didn't want it! Travis kept telling me to stop crying and drive, and just wait to see what would happen.
When the ultrasound tech started doing the scan, you could have heard a pin drop! Travis and I were holding our breath, and there was our sweet little baby! His little heart was beating and he was swimming all around! Travis and I burst into tears, and I was so relieved! I ended up having a sub-chorionic hemmorhage(and area of blood vessels had burst on my uterine wall), and it didn't affect the baby at all.
All of this to sat...This baby isn't just a baby... It is half of me and half of Travis. It is part of Julie and Logan, And I want this baby more than anything. It was almost like God was showing me, I can give you a blessing and just as easily as I can take it away. Thankyou Lord for loving me, and for knowing what is best for me even when I don't!!!
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